- Do not make our children strive
Such striving may seem admirable, but it is a way of endless frustration for the unobtainable, trying to please the 'unsatisfiable' in a craving world.
Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of life as God makes it.
Show them the joy of tasting home grown tomatoes, apples, pears, figs.
Show them how to cry when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand>
the crawl of a crab in an ocean pool, the delight of a dog at play.
Make the ordinary come alive for them
The extraordinary will take care of itself.
yes -we can miss life, if we keep thinking it's out there somewhere else__
-- in the unreachable...
The greatest medal when we grow older,
is looking back, being glad to have got through ok-
that our kids love us and we eat well enough to enjoy simple pleasures, bush walking, gardening, bird watching, beach combing, rock climbing.
God holds our hand, granting us peace and joy
and guiding us through the loops and twirls.
- ♥♥♥
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Having a strong will is good. We want our child to have a strong will.
A strong will to survive, a strong will to make wise decisions,
to choose eternal faith, a strong will to swim upstream, etc.
We need to guide their strong will for wisdom for their good.
To do this, we only discipline with the child's good in mind,
ie plan a discipline strategy before needing to use it carefully,
Never discipline if angry - quickly pray for calmness.
I learnt as a young mum tips from Dobson-
Make sure a child learns to obey important/necessary things with one command,
so there is not a battle of wills constantly.
This makes family life much calmer, it may mean a week of battle,
but the years after that are much sweeter.
The family can go out more, do more things, sleep anywhere, if they know they are safe in parents care.
Like puppies can run with wild abandonment and joy in a park, if they are trained, -
they don't need to be tied to a leash,
for they know the parent's heart and feel safe in the training they have received.
They will come when called, they will stop when danger threatens.
Only punish IF the child is definitely rebelling/disobeying
and you know his anger will cause him grief in this world,
ie Discipline is only so that they know survival skills.
- crossing roads, dangers, manners etc.
They must receive a just punishment for deliberate rebellion or they will carry the guilt of it for life.
A punishment releases them of the burden of carrying the disappointment in themselves.
Make sure it is done calmly and with love,
(practical tip -only on the fat of the legs where it will not bruise - with eg a wooden spoon until they whimper,ie if they are still angry and thrashing with rebellion you have not conquered the rebellion.
It must hurt so they will remember -
When the child is crying softly -we must then hug them and assure them of forgiveness and love.
I only rarely needed to discipline like this -
eg when they were very little and maybe touched something hot/dangerous,
we must smack that lil hand if they insist on touching/hurting themselves, -
a natural instinct to protect the little one.
I didn't make rules for them to have to rebel against. They grew to know how life worked.
We worked together as a team.
If they had something ahead to choose, we talked about its pros and cons,
and they worked it out through discussion.
A strong will to survive, a strong will to make wise decisions,
to choose eternal faith, a strong will to swim upstream, etc.
We need to guide their strong will for wisdom for their good.
To do this, we only discipline with the child's good in mind,
ie plan a discipline strategy before needing to use it carefully,
Never discipline if angry - quickly pray for calmness.
I learnt as a young mum tips from Dobson-
Make sure a child learns to obey important/necessary things with one command,
so there is not a battle of wills constantly.
This makes family life much calmer, it may mean a week of battle,
but the years after that are much sweeter.
The family can go out more, do more things, sleep anywhere, if they know they are safe in parents care.
Like puppies can run with wild abandonment and joy in a park, if they are trained, -
they don't need to be tied to a leash,
for they know the parent's heart and feel safe in the training they have received.
They will come when called, they will stop when danger threatens.
Only punish IF the child is definitely rebelling/disobeying
and you know his anger will cause him grief in this world,
ie Discipline is only so that they know survival skills.
- crossing roads, dangers, manners etc.
They must receive a just punishment for deliberate rebellion or they will carry the guilt of it for life.
A punishment releases them of the burden of carrying the disappointment in themselves.
Make sure it is done calmly and with love,
(practical tip -only on the fat of the legs where it will not bruise - with eg a wooden spoon until they whimper,ie if they are still angry and thrashing with rebellion you have not conquered the rebellion.
It must hurt so they will remember -
When the child is crying softly -we must then hug them and assure them of forgiveness and love.
I only rarely needed to discipline like this -
eg when they were very little and maybe touched something hot/dangerous,
we must smack that lil hand if they insist on touching/hurting themselves, -
a natural instinct to protect the little one.
I didn't make rules for them to have to rebel against. They grew to know how life worked.
We worked together as a team.
If they had something ahead to choose, we talked about its pros and cons,
and they worked it out through discussion.
Thank you, Dr. Dobson. Your books and advice helped us all through our child rearing years. I read The Strong Willed Child. and applied the principles. They are all married with children of their own - a testimony to these truths.
When older, they have to learn themselves, we do not own them at all, they are God's only,
and He will lead them through trials of life.
We CAN trust Him, He loves them more than we do.
We can but watch, pray, suggest or/and wait for, if they need help.
I greatly admire Ruth Bell Graham when her Franklin rebelled, she prayed/wrote a poem,
'Let him be cold Lord, let him hear the wolves howling, that he may return to safety'
Her prayer was answered, she loved with a pure love for his good,
she did not attempt to molly coddle /protect/explain away/deny or shield him from life's realities.
Franklin became a great man.
Sometimes we can 'parent' for our own reputation.- that we may look good.
It never works, the child knows that they are not genuinely loved.
That is not loving the child, that is loving self.
The child will not always know/choose right, but they will keep a relationship with parent,
so we can assist them when they need greatest help.-
just as God is always there/with us, to mould/direct us to wise living.
Our greatest prayer/love is that they will submit to the greatest Father/authority,
we are weak and need God, we cannot breathe without HIM.
Our greatest prayer is not for our happiness, but that our darling babies grow to know God,
that we will see them safe eternally.
The most loving Mum/Dad will tell their darlings that God made them,
loves them and has a home for them forever.
Derry's Heart Poems March 2014
and He will lead them through trials of life.
We CAN trust Him, He loves them more than we do.
We can but watch, pray, suggest or/and wait for, if they need help.
I greatly admire Ruth Bell Graham when her Franklin rebelled, she prayed/wrote a poem,
'Let him be cold Lord, let him hear the wolves howling, that he may return to safety'
Her prayer was answered, she loved with a pure love for his good,
she did not attempt to molly coddle /protect/explain away/deny or shield him from life's realities.
Franklin became a great man.
Sometimes we can 'parent' for our own reputation.- that we may look good.
It never works, the child knows that they are not genuinely loved.
That is not loving the child, that is loving self.
The child will not always know/choose right, but they will keep a relationship with parent,
so we can assist them when they need greatest help.-
just as God is always there/with us, to mould/direct us to wise living.
Our greatest prayer/love is that they will submit to the greatest Father/authority,
we are weak and need God, we cannot breathe without HIM.
Our greatest prayer is not for our happiness, but that our darling babies grow to know God,
that we will see them safe eternally.
The most loving Mum/Dad will tell their darlings that God made them,
loves them and has a home for them forever.
Derry's Heart Poems March 2014
Parents have your children experienced tenderness and mercy in your home today?
Parents can only show loyalty to God when loyal themselves. A child trusts only what is true.
A Child follows how 'mom and dad' live. Walk the talk as we talk the walk
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For all
Who knew the shelter of the Fold, its warmth and safety and the Shepherd's care, and Bolted; choosing instead to fare out in the cold, the night, revolted by guardianship, by Light; endured by the unknown; eager to be out and on their own; freed to water where they may, feed where they can, live as they will: till they are cured, let them be cold, ill let them know terror; feed them with thistle, weed, and thorn; who chose the company of wolves, let them taste the companionship wolves give to helpless strays; but, oh! let them live- wiser though torn! and wherever however far away they roam, follow and watch and keep Your stupid, wayward, stubborn sheep, and someday, Bring them Home! -Ruth Bell Graham christianchat-poem |
Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson
Question: How can I lead my strong-willed child properly,
without breaking his spirit and damaging him in some way?
Answer: DrJamesDobson.org/Solid-Answers
Through Adam we inherited a sinful nature,
through Christ we are redeemed/set free from the power of our sinful heart.
It is not through our own effort/try/try but only through the Holy Spirit that we can "do" this.
God will never take free choice away,
He will give us wisdom and strength to choose HIS way/His heart, when we trust Him.
Question: How can I lead my strong-willed child properly,
without breaking his spirit and damaging him in some way?
Answer: DrJamesDobson.org/Solid-Answers
Through Adam we inherited a sinful nature,
through Christ we are redeemed/set free from the power of our sinful heart.
It is not through our own effort/try/try but only through the Holy Spirit that we can "do" this.
God will never take free choice away,
He will give us wisdom and strength to choose HIS way/His heart, when we trust Him.
a parents prayers should continue until we draw our last breath - pray for their future spouse when they are young. Ask the Lord to prepare both your child and the mate He has for them.
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Listening, real listening is an art that is learned by practice
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What are the long-range implications of raising a strong-willed child?
What can we expect as the years go by?
Well, I can give you a few encouraging conclusions from our study.
The tendency of strong-willed children is to return to parental values when they reach adulthood.
Parents told us that 85 percent of their grown SWCs (twenty-four years of age and older) came back to what they had been taught--entirely or at least "somewhat." That is good news.
Only 15 percent were so headstrong that they rejected their family's core values in their mid-twenties.
In those exceptional cases, I'll wager that other problems and sources of pain were involved.
What this means, first of all, is that these tough-minded kids
will argue and fight and complain throughout their years at home,
but the majority will turn around when they reach young adulthood and do what their parents most desired.
That should be reassuring. Furthermore, if we could have evaluated these individuals at thirty-five instead of twenty-four years of age, we would have seen that even fewer were still in rebellion against parental values.
Second, raising a strong-willed child (or a houseful of them) can be a lonely job for parents.
You can begin to feel like yours is the only family that has gone through these struggles. Don't believe it.
In another study of three thousand parents,
we found that 85 percent of families had at least one strong-willed child.
This is parenthood. This is human nature
What can we expect as the years go by?
Well, I can give you a few encouraging conclusions from our study.
The tendency of strong-willed children is to return to parental values when they reach adulthood.
Parents told us that 85 percent of their grown SWCs (twenty-four years of age and older) came back to what they had been taught--entirely or at least "somewhat." That is good news.
Only 15 percent were so headstrong that they rejected their family's core values in their mid-twenties.
In those exceptional cases, I'll wager that other problems and sources of pain were involved.
What this means, first of all, is that these tough-minded kids
will argue and fight and complain throughout their years at home,
but the majority will turn around when they reach young adulthood and do what their parents most desired.
That should be reassuring. Furthermore, if we could have evaluated these individuals at thirty-five instead of twenty-four years of age, we would have seen that even fewer were still in rebellion against parental values.
Second, raising a strong-willed child (or a houseful of them) can be a lonely job for parents.
You can begin to feel like yours is the only family that has gone through these struggles. Don't believe it.
In another study of three thousand parents,
we found that 85 percent of families had at least one strong-willed child.
This is parenthood. This is human nature
God's gift to us. Beautiful and innocent -Remember where they came from and treat them with respect and lots of LOVE..
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thinking about God's greatness as I snuggle my grandson knowing that God created him in His image and knows all about him. Amazing love
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" MAKE OR BREAK "
A high school student said that he was stupid. I asked, "What makes you think that? "
He said, "My dad says that I am." He believed what his father said.
He was NOT stupid, but his grades were pretty bad.
He had leadership potential, but he was "leading" in the wrong way.
He didn't try for good grades because he thought that he was "stupid".
I couldn't convince him that he was smart. It's hard to compete with a parent.
I wonder what I could have done.
PARENTS, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO " MAKE OR BREAK " YOUR CHILD.
Don't ever say they are stupid - dumb - worthless - bad - or mock their abilities
He could very easily become the child that you tell him that he is!
Everyone is different, what you think is clever about you, will not be the same in your child.
They are gifted in ways God made them for what He wants them to do
eg you may be good at physical tasks, they might be good at creative art or literacy,
God has made them so.
He is calling them to fulfill a different role. We don't need two of you in this world,
You do what you need to do, they will do what they need to do.
Correction is one thing, belittling them to embarrassment is another.
This is not a statement about correcting bad behavior ( that should already be done at home)
it's about shaming children to entertain self or make self feel/look better - in own eyes,
No-one is fooled if a parent loves themselves more than their child
The child when old enough, should feel so safe in the parents care,
that just a 'look' or a shake of the head will adjust the child's choices.
A high school student said that he was stupid. I asked, "What makes you think that? "
He said, "My dad says that I am." He believed what his father said.
He was NOT stupid, but his grades were pretty bad.
He had leadership potential, but he was "leading" in the wrong way.
He didn't try for good grades because he thought that he was "stupid".
I couldn't convince him that he was smart. It's hard to compete with a parent.
I wonder what I could have done.
PARENTS, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO " MAKE OR BREAK " YOUR CHILD.
Don't ever say they are stupid - dumb - worthless - bad - or mock their abilities
He could very easily become the child that you tell him that he is!
Everyone is different, what you think is clever about you, will not be the same in your child.
They are gifted in ways God made them for what He wants them to do
eg you may be good at physical tasks, they might be good at creative art or literacy,
God has made them so.
He is calling them to fulfill a different role. We don't need two of you in this world,
You do what you need to do, they will do what they need to do.
Correction is one thing, belittling them to embarrassment is another.
This is not a statement about correcting bad behavior ( that should already be done at home)
it's about shaming children to entertain self or make self feel/look better - in own eyes,
No-one is fooled if a parent loves themselves more than their child
The child when old enough, should feel so safe in the parents care,
that just a 'look' or a shake of the head will adjust the child's choices.
